The past few years have been plagued with fear, anxiety, dissention and isolation. In contrast to the norm happening around me, I was busy celebrating. I found myself surrounded by extra down time, a slower pace, more concentrated time with family and time to attend to my health and well-being. It may have been the first time ever when I indulged in “self care” because quite frankly, there was just less to do.

Fast forward to a post-Covid season that was filled with much personal reward, I find myself in scenario where nothing fits as it did before. Life is back to a frenzied speed. The family members have dispersed. The celebrations have been replaced with work and home routines. I am finding the need to have festive markers ahead to keep me navigating the daily grind.

I am a little lost. I am struggling to figure out the next chapter. My intrinsic value defined by mothering has shifted. I am somewhere between winding down my vocational life or reinventing myself. There is a constant buzz of discomfort. That’s never been my normal. The planner in me is exhausted and I am watching and waiting for others to lead. The fortified armor that I has covered all the significant facets of my heart, has been breached. I am sensitive to arrows shot from other wounded souls who are frenzied to be the attackers rather than to have their injuries exposed. My laser focus on gratitude has kept me from being truly empathetic to the pain around me. God has humbled me so that I may grow in compassion and extend myself in love and understanding.

So, I wander aimlessly. Sleep restlessly. Meander around searching. I keep trying to land in that sacred place where my purpose is well defined and I can cease the questioning. I long to just be comfortable.

I am choosing to embrace this season filled with unknowns, with anxiety, with profound grief. It’s all part of my journey. I am choosing to walk into the chaos. I am taking the undefined path, exploring the detours, searching for the viewpoints, and am absorbing the hunger, the weariness, the darkness. As I trudge through all of this, I am also propelled to experiment with unfamiliar choices (like creating a blog). I am learning to sit with uncontrolled uncertainty.

“Embrace uncertainty. Some of the most beautiful chapters in our lives won’t have a title until much later.” – Bob Goff